Afew days ago, a post on this site described the 10 Worst Kind of Guys to Date. I did not actually read that post, due to an advanced medical condition my doctor calls “you’re fucking illiterate”, but the concept did strike me as being somewhat one-sided.  I mean, who will speak up for the middle-class, straight, white American males in all of this?  When will we finally get our say?  Kids, that time is now.  As someone who has heard about someone who spoke with a person who met a guy who saw a movie about a guy who dated a girl, I feel tremendously qualified to present to you the 10 Worst Kind of Girls to Date (note that this is a list of types of girls you would not want to date, not the 10 worst kind of girls up until this point in time.  The wording is tricky).

1.  All of them

Let’s face it: all girls are nuts.  (Strangely, the converse is also true – all nuts are girls. That is, they are simple dry fruits in which the ovary wall has become hardened).  Anyway, I have found the secret to not dating women, and I would be glad to share it with any reader in exchange for some missing issues in my Buffy the Vampire Slayer graphic novel collection, or for Dora the Explorer erotic fiction.

2.  Girls with abnormally large Adam’s Apples

We’ve all been there before – you finally meet a great girl who has it all: strong arms, deep and soothing voice, love for bacon and hockey, killer right hook.  Then when you finally get into her Wranglers, you find out she has an enormous dick.  Then two weeks later she tells you she is actually a man.  I mean, this could happen to anyone one or two times, but after the eighth occurrence, I’m thinking I might need to go to a different bar than The Manhole.

3. Girls that are too nice

Her: “Let’s go to the homeless shelter and volunteer in the food line”

Me: “Uhh…ok, but I’d rather stay home and fuck your mouth.”

4. Girls that are too nasty

Her: “I want you to fuck me in the mouth.”

Me: “Gross!  Who even thinks of things like that?  You need some serious counseling – hey, are you gonna finish the rest of your homeless guy?

5. Girls that went to law school, girls that are massage therapists, girls that are social workers

I’m not even making a joke here.  Anyone that has dated any of these types of women knows they are shit-nuts (cue every guy reading this, eyes wide with half-remembered horrors, nodding slowly).  I don’t know what makes these girls snap, and I don’t want to know.  It may even be a chicken/egg thing, like only crazy girls go into these professions.  Either way: avoid at all costs.  I was thinking of adding nannies to this list as well, but that comes awfully close to category #1.

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